Here comes another day.
Like any other days of my 23,
it's totally sucked !
Outside the windows, it's raining. Oh, "thanks" for that.
Everything to me now, seems like a mess. My job, my study, my relationships and my life. I mean... my everything.
Or, is it only about me and myself ?
Who am I ?
What is the "ultimate mission" of mine for living on Earth ?
Wow, sounds serious, huh !?
Nah... These fucking questions keep itching inside my head.
I'm lost and panic, and feeling lonely.
I feel guilty, for being a loser.
My parents keep encouraging me, and that just makes things even worse.
Days just passing by. Life just getting tight. And I just wanna hide.
Sometimes, I think about an end, for everything. An escape - from this fucking reality. I wish I could...
Why ? How do all of these things happen, to me ?
I don't know.
Hell. The only thing that I know, for sure, is that I don't know anything. Ironically.
Hah, spare me, I don't mean to make it sounds like a quote of Socrates. I know nothing, literally. "What do you really want ?" is an example, I-DON'T-KNOW.
And then what ?
Hmm. Somethings went on. I want this, I want that, I want these, I want those... But I've never made a "GO".
Just standing still for all day long, waiting for a vague thing - a change in my mind, yeah maybe. Procrastination, you may call, but it's just another florid name - like "Quarter-life crisis", "Feeling lost", ... and so on. In fact, it's merely an excuse for my fail.
[Oy, wait, what ? Did ya just say "fail" ??? Oh come off it, ya don't even have the right to call it "fail". Cauz' ya know what ? You've nevah given such a fucking TRY. You're not doin' anything, ANYTHING. Then it obviously comes to this shit-tuation. Zero multiplies of millions. Done ! No fail or success here, dude.]
[...OK, my bad, all mine. At least I know how bad I am. I know that I was wrong, and I admit it. No more hiding. Does it help ?]
[No dude. Very sorry to say so. Such a faithful confession, but just "know" won't give a shit. Eh, I rememer that you don't know such a fucking thing, do you ?]
[... OK, and then, what will ? What should I do ?]
[Why don't you ask yourself ?]
[I did, but...]
[Nah-ah, "but", "but" and "but". Lemme guess. "But I don't have time", "But I can't do that", "But this is very complicated", and what else ? Did I miss somethings, Mr. But ?]
[#Sigh. OK, look. I did have a plan. I make ones on Excel with colorful cells, tables and sheets, a "master project" for myself to be better. I tried to put my-fucking-self in discipline and rules. But every time, the "motivation" is gone within a week. I just don't know why ?]
[And, anything else ?]
[Yeah, of course. I did think, alot and very serious. Uhm, kind of "meditation", I could say. Thinking about my career, about what I would become in the next few years, about my "life goals". I also tried to find out my "passion", to define my "purpose of life"... Yep, I did think alot. But they're all stucked. Just questions without any answers...]
[And, have you done anything to materialised them, besides of thinking and planning ? Nothing, right ?]
[I... yeah, nothing...]
[That's the problem dude.]
[Pfffff. I've told ya. Just "know" is not enough, it didn't work ! Fuck your "know", forget it.]
[Wew, Awakening, that's what you need.]
[What's that ?]
[It's knowing about yourself at this very moment, knowing of who you're and what you want, knowing of things you have to do. It's also the "nudge" that will kick your ass up and make you feel "similar" (SML). Kicks after kicks, and you will grow up, with a pretty "butt", dude.]
[Awakening... so miracle ! How can I find it, my dearest friend ?]
#Puff. Disappeared !
[Hey, hey. Comeback here ! Answer me...]
Then, there were nothing else but my echoes pealing over the space. "Answer me... Answer me... Answer..." Usually, I will wake up right after.
That happens... almost every night. "He" comes like a spook, when I'm riding home alone on a crowded street, when I close my eyes trying to sleep, or whenever I get drunk. Deep in my mind, I talk to "him", all these same things over and over again. I've noticed that, his voice is always in a tone of both ridiculed and aggressive. And, it's especially freaking creepy when I confont him, face-to-face. Yeah, sometimes I see him - in form of my doubleganger. From the other side of the mirror, "he" is starring at me with his ghastly face, and I can even hear the sound of his grinding jaws. But I dont scare of him, not a fuck. Instead, I'm waiting for him, to give me an answer - the answer about Awakening.
Sadly, he always disappears into the darkness whenever it comes to the part. He just fades away, like smoke in the air, ghostly and suddenly like the way he comes...
Such a fucking joke.
Dude, that's not funny. And I'm running out of patience. Almost.